She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
