exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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