and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
