would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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