My Higher Power is John Stamos
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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