Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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