"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
