i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I AM VODKA MAN
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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