Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
