I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
