You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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