My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
