i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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