its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
