My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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