so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
