You're completely useless in the revolution.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
