right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
