My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
