if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
