I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
