mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
