White coat. Heels.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
