Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
