My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
