New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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