I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
