i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
