Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
