I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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