Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
