I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
