either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
