stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
