I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
