dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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