They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
