Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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