my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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