Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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