my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
