Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
