woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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