I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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