What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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