What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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