I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
