Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
