Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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