Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
